i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
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