I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
everyone is single if you try hard enough
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
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