if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Randomize
