Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
I wish my penis had an off switch
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Randomize
