my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Randomize
