i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
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