Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
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