Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
