Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Randomize
