i need an iv and a liver transplant
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
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Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
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You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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