I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
