here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
