I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
