I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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