just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Randomize
