you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
