I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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