Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Randomize
