It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
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just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
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How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
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