I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Randomize
