birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
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