you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Every concussion has its silver lining
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
