You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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