I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
