So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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