I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
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