Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I just threw up on my dentist
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
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