So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
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