He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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