I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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