I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
Randomize
