I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
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So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
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I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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