I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
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