I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
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