I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Randomize
