just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
