I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Randomize
