Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Randomize
