Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Randomize
