I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
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I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
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I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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