I can't watch pbs sober anymore
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
