i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
