dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
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