I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
