im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
