Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
