So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
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Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
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Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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