Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
