My liver just broke up with me...
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
