I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
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