He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
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