The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
