Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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