My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
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